A quickening of her mind sent her rolling onto her stomach. Her bed usually made her body and mind respond by giving it the permission to power down. Now, it felt like a rock under her newly nauseated belly. "Oh, %$#@! Breath, bitch!" she hissed to herself. The wormlike nerves crept up her diaphragm and forearms, making her feet cold and sweaty. Seconds later, the worms crept into her upper chest and throat to make her throat constrict. She swallowed and groaned and felt the pressure behind her eyes and pricks of pain under her skull at the top of her head. She stared at her aging light blue-grey carpet and focused her mind on the fraying fibers to shut out the frantic communication between her mind and body. She brought her hands forward from her sides to her face and held her forehead, tapping like a despondent child on a sleeping parent's door, uncertain of the reaction being woken up again for the 4th time that night. She turned her thoughts to her hypnotist's instructions. "I thought I was done with this", she fumed shaking her already unsteady hands. She flipped to her back again and rolled over feeling her leg hairs standing up. She wiped her hands on her ripped shorts, closed her eyes, and breathed deeply counting from 10 to 1 in her mind. She imagined herself walking down stone stairs in a birch and cedar forest at dusk. She felt her body slowly sink into the bed; her heart like a lead sinker. At 1, she touched her thumb and first finger together and felt the familiar sunset warmth grow beneath her breastbone. Images of sturdy cedar trunks, pine needles strewen forest floor, tamarack boughs made her smell memories of her childhood in the family acreage. Several of her past moments of unwarranted anxiety and despair materialized; she immediately connected them to the real achievements and lashed the memories together. When that happened, the memory transformed, adding itself to the joy that was replacing the worms that had been raviging her.
November 06, 2014
Best seats in the house
The parade came to town!
A little girl and her father packed up snacks, drinks, and chairs and headed to the parade route. The people had arrived way ahead of time and already were sitting three rows deep. The father, being an experienced parade goer and very much a child at heart, knew the best seats were not taken. The child, however, was getting more and more dejected by the minute. The father could see the disappointment on his daughter's face but smiled at her and told her to trust him she would see the parade in style.
A little girl and her father packed up snacks, drinks, and chairs and headed to the parade route. The people had arrived way ahead of time and already were sitting three rows deep. The father, being an experienced parade goer and very much a child at heart, knew the best seats were not taken. The child, however, was getting more and more dejected by the minute. The father could see the disappointment on his daughter's face but smiled at her and told her to trust him she would see the parade in style.
As the time grew nearer, she became more and more anxious that she wouldn't get a good seat. She pulled on her father's jacket and said she was going to the front because she saw a space on the street curb. The father asked if she was sure because he had a spot all picked out. She was getting desperate and nodded quickly and started pushing toward the front. As she was leaving, the father called out to say the spot will always be open if she changed her mind. She waved her hand to tell him she heard him.
The parade was wonderful. It was more colorful than they had imagined. Candy was thrown and faces were painted and clowns made balloon animals and turned somersaults and the band drums were felt through everyone's toes up to their stomachs. The child had a front-row seat.
But she was squished and jostled and elbowed and yelled at and candy was taken away because there were so many other children looking for attention. She was getting hot and the street was dusty and smelled from the exhaust, horses, and tires. She wasn't able to see everything as she watched legs go by and the bottoms of floats and undercarriages of cars.
As the parade was winding down, she pushed her way back to her father who was waiting, watching her carefully. He held out his hands to her and lifted her up to his shoulders and she found, there, in all its glory, was the parade. She had a shoulder seat, protected from all the greed and attention-getters. She was high up to see the tops of the floats and the glorious decorations. She was able to see the instruments of the bands and the beautiful faces of the people instead of just their legs. She could see the smiles of the riders as they pranced on the horses. She waved to the people in the cars and trucks and even caught some of the candy they threw at her! She felt the wind blow in her face as she saw all the flags fluttering and streamers flying.
She hugged her dad tightly and whispered, "Thank you", and was glad to have a strong father who knew what she needed the most.
2 Timothy 2:22
October 28, 2014
Why is there a desire to immediately fix brokenness?
Is it to be normal in a world of glass houses? Is it to stave off attention to yourself; not to be seen as a problem and to be talked about? Is it to keep walking the same pace, the same path as everyone around you? Is it to always be useful and not be burden on anyone else?
Or is it a desire always to be happy? Even if you smile too much your cheeks hurt and that place behind your ears ache...or if you laugh too much, your sides grow weak and painful. And if you cannot help but smile all the time, you are seen as a fool.
Comparison makes cowards of us all. Who are we living for anyways. If my Creator wants me to flounder a bit to be strengthened, to grow, and to find a new path, then so be it. Therefore I delight in my brokenness because where I am stumbling I am only to find my Rock on which I delight in an unending strength.
Is it to be normal in a world of glass houses? Is it to stave off attention to yourself; not to be seen as a problem and to be talked about? Is it to keep walking the same pace, the same path as everyone around you? Is it to always be useful and not be burden on anyone else?
Or is it a desire always to be happy? Even if you smile too much your cheeks hurt and that place behind your ears ache...or if you laugh too much, your sides grow weak and painful. And if you cannot help but smile all the time, you are seen as a fool.
Comparison makes cowards of us all. Who are we living for anyways. If my Creator wants me to flounder a bit to be strengthened, to grow, and to find a new path, then so be it. Therefore I delight in my brokenness because where I am stumbling I am only to find my Rock on which I delight in an unending strength.
September 23, 2013
Run the race - Part Three
At the pinnacle of the race, some of the racers have taken it on themselves to enforce the rules and the people in charge of holding the major rules become the hypercritical spiritual police, a wild man comes running through the crowd yelling about some uber-runner who will be the pacemaker and no one needs to run for their life anymore..just run for fun!
This causes a stir in the crowd and everyone is imagining who this person will be... A major enforcer? A race official? A lean and sinewy model?
When a Forrest Gump looking guy starts running with everyone holding the pace, healing broken runners along the way and encouraging runners to be more like him, the HSP (hypercritical spiritual police) take offense at this low life and try to run him off the road. But the other runners flock around him and he keeps encouraging, telling stories of runners long past, of new ways of running that didn't focus on what was wrong but focusing on how well you were running. He answered everyone's questions and gave instinctive advice. Best of all, his water bottle is filled with the purest tasting water, never emptied, even when he shared it....He was like a walking textbook of perfect running!
The HSP wanted him gone..they would be out of a job ..... Everyone was listening to him! They needed to remind everyone about the rules and push consequences! The people were getting lax on not treating the rules more precious than water! This is how you ran!! This is how you stayed on course! THIS IS HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO LIVE!!
Yes, the pacemaker knew all the rules, too well. He knew the course as if he had designed it himself! But he hadn't conferred with them and didn't prove himself to their standards! They wanted him gone.
They got together and bribed a runner with secret bathrooms and fruit stands to get them into the group of runners surrounding the pacemaker. As they broke him away from the pack, they realized he did this of his own accord, and the race came to a halt. This angered them even further, so right there on the spot, they slashed his Achilles' tendon bringing the pacemaker to his knees and smothered him in front of everyone.
As he lay there, everyone realized no one was running anymore. The earth kept spinning without them making it move, the course was still laid out waiting to be run, the wind was still blowing over everyone's faces keeping them cool. The quiet was deafening.
Then the wailing started. The crowd of people lost their encourager! This person who ran with them, who kept their mind off of the actual race, keeping them focused on the Finish Line, on what was precious about running was GONE!! They lost this wonderful storyteller who spoke as if he was there! This runner who knew the course like it was written on the back of his hand!
For three hours the runners cried wondering what to do with his body, should they carry it with them? Should they make a monument in his honor? They were at a loss.
Then the Pacemaker stirred. He sat up, took a deep breath, got to his knees, stood up straight to the amazement to everyone around and declared with a clear, deep, resonating voice...
... the race to save their lives was OVER!!!!
He would be the runner from now on. He would run for everyone else. However, if anyone wanted to keep improving and listening to stories to be encouraged, they were more than welcome to follow him...if they could keep up with him. He would yell out instructions and tell stories and help a runner up if they fell. Also if any runner would lag behind, he would have his twin help out with whispers of encouragement and directions for the course.
Some people gladly followed him while others found him along the way.
There were some who declared they were running but found other activities to keep themselves occupied and found themselves running in circles.
Then there were the who hated the Pacemaker and kept their focus on making examples of the Him and his followers. What they failed to realize, they just gave the followers their PRIZE, while the haters kept on running, forever chasing everyone around them, never even coming close to the FINISH LINE.
To God be the Glory.
This causes a stir in the crowd and everyone is imagining who this person will be... A major enforcer? A race official? A lean and sinewy model?
When a Forrest Gump looking guy starts running with everyone holding the pace, healing broken runners along the way and encouraging runners to be more like him, the HSP (hypercritical spiritual police) take offense at this low life and try to run him off the road. But the other runners flock around him and he keeps encouraging, telling stories of runners long past, of new ways of running that didn't focus on what was wrong but focusing on how well you were running. He answered everyone's questions and gave instinctive advice. Best of all, his water bottle is filled with the purest tasting water, never emptied, even when he shared it....He was like a walking textbook of perfect running!
The HSP wanted him gone..they would be out of a job ..... Everyone was listening to him! They needed to remind everyone about the rules and push consequences! The people were getting lax on not treating the rules more precious than water! This is how you ran!! This is how you stayed on course! THIS IS HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO LIVE!!
Yes, the pacemaker knew all the rules, too well. He knew the course as if he had designed it himself! But he hadn't conferred with them and didn't prove himself to their standards! They wanted him gone.
They got together and bribed a runner with secret bathrooms and fruit stands to get them into the group of runners surrounding the pacemaker. As they broke him away from the pack, they realized he did this of his own accord, and the race came to a halt. This angered them even further, so right there on the spot, they slashed his Achilles' tendon bringing the pacemaker to his knees and smothered him in front of everyone.
As he lay there, everyone realized no one was running anymore. The earth kept spinning without them making it move, the course was still laid out waiting to be run, the wind was still blowing over everyone's faces keeping them cool. The quiet was deafening.
Then the wailing started. The crowd of people lost their encourager! This person who ran with them, who kept their mind off of the actual race, keeping them focused on the Finish Line, on what was precious about running was GONE!! They lost this wonderful storyteller who spoke as if he was there! This runner who knew the course like it was written on the back of his hand!
For three hours the runners cried wondering what to do with his body, should they carry it with them? Should they make a monument in his honor? They were at a loss.
Then the Pacemaker stirred. He sat up, took a deep breath, got to his knees, stood up straight to the amazement to everyone around and declared with a clear, deep, resonating voice...
... the race to save their lives was OVER!!!!
He would be the runner from now on. He would run for everyone else. However, if anyone wanted to keep improving and listening to stories to be encouraged, they were more than welcome to follow him...if they could keep up with him. He would yell out instructions and tell stories and help a runner up if they fell. Also if any runner would lag behind, he would have his twin help out with whispers of encouragement and directions for the course.
Some people gladly followed him while others found him along the way.
There were some who declared they were running but found other activities to keep themselves occupied and found themselves running in circles.
Then there were the who hated the Pacemaker and kept their focus on making examples of the Him and his followers. What they failed to realize, they just gave the followers their PRIZE, while the haters kept on running, forever chasing everyone around them, never even coming close to the FINISH LINE.
To God be the Glory.
September 17, 2013
Run the Race - Part Two
After watching His runners flounder time and time again, waiting for them to ask for His help, God stepped in and gave them MORE rules for a smoother run.
Firstly, He gives them rules on how to remember that He created the course, therefore, thank Him for it and how to thank Him for it. Also some of the runners were getting all high and mighty that they could run faster and better than anyone else, so God made them priests so they would be in charge of praising and thanking God for their abilities and for all of God's creation. And when the runners didn't follow the course, or use their rest areas for what it was meant for, or pushing another runner off the course, or other serious grievances, they were given more miles to run that day in order to make up for their errors. The rules also listed foods to eat to be prepared to run and to enhance endurance and clothes to wear to cut down on friction and promote modesty.
Secondly, God gave them civil rules to preserve the unity of running. To make running with one another to be helpful and not show off since they were all running toward the same finish line.. there was no reason for the hostility. Consequences were lain out and held by a select few.
Thirdly, the 10 Commandments. Permanent and unchangeable moral laws. These he gave to another select group and asked they carry them and protect them and teach them to everyone.
Even with these rules, the runners faltered again and again; thinking they were alone in the race, thinking of their own personal gain and thanking stones for their guidance even worshiping animals along the way.
So God sent prophets, race sub-officials, to run alongside to remind the runners about the rules. They were also sent to give the runners HOPE that a change was going to happen. In that, most of the rules were not going to be needed. There was going to be an UBER-runner who was going to do most of the work and all they had to do was RUN. The runners wouldn't have to worry about how to dress, making sure what tone of voice to use when thanking God for His course and creation. And the biggie... not having to run that extra mile because of an error.
However, the runners had interpreted the rules so much, so when the prophets corrected them, the runners thought the prophets crazy and ran them off the road.
There were the select few who listened to God and genuinely knew He wanted them to have the best race ever so God rewarded them with children to slow them down and see again through new eyes to be reminded of God's creation. God gave them ocean front runs, more rest stops and carefully timed bathroom breaks and every once in a while, to a particularly great runner, a golden golf cart to carry him the rest of the way to the FINISH LINE.
Firstly, He gives them rules on how to remember that He created the course, therefore, thank Him for it and how to thank Him for it. Also some of the runners were getting all high and mighty that they could run faster and better than anyone else, so God made them priests so they would be in charge of praising and thanking God for their abilities and for all of God's creation. And when the runners didn't follow the course, or use their rest areas for what it was meant for, or pushing another runner off the course, or other serious grievances, they were given more miles to run that day in order to make up for their errors. The rules also listed foods to eat to be prepared to run and to enhance endurance and clothes to wear to cut down on friction and promote modesty.
Secondly, God gave them civil rules to preserve the unity of running. To make running with one another to be helpful and not show off since they were all running toward the same finish line.. there was no reason for the hostility. Consequences were lain out and held by a select few.
Thirdly, the 10 Commandments. Permanent and unchangeable moral laws. These he gave to another select group and asked they carry them and protect them and teach them to everyone.
Even with these rules, the runners faltered again and again; thinking they were alone in the race, thinking of their own personal gain and thanking stones for their guidance even worshiping animals along the way.
So God sent prophets, race sub-officials, to run alongside to remind the runners about the rules. They were also sent to give the runners HOPE that a change was going to happen. In that, most of the rules were not going to be needed. There was going to be an UBER-runner who was going to do most of the work and all they had to do was RUN. The runners wouldn't have to worry about how to dress, making sure what tone of voice to use when thanking God for His course and creation. And the biggie... not having to run that extra mile because of an error.
However, the runners had interpreted the rules so much, so when the prophets corrected them, the runners thought the prophets crazy and ran them off the road.
There were the select few who listened to God and genuinely knew He wanted them to have the best race ever so God rewarded them with children to slow them down and see again through new eyes to be reminded of God's creation. God gave them ocean front runs, more rest stops and carefully timed bathroom breaks and every once in a while, to a particularly great runner, a golden golf cart to carry him the rest of the way to the FINISH LINE.
September 16, 2013
Run the race - Part One
I was up all night thinking about this one... not rationalizing thinking.. a developing story thinking.
It started from the Holy Spirit who doesn't think I need sleep some nights who planted running on my brain. He then steered me toward, "How does this fit into the concept of the Bible as a whole," and then just walked off, chuckling.
OooH! I GOT this one!! Yeah.. for 2 hours when I should be SLEEPING! But then, of course, when else do I listen to him.
Touche, Holy Spirit, Touche.
So.. I'm going to do this in parts as I'm still thinking this through.
God creates this perfect running course, jam-packed full of wondrous sights, mountains, rivers, animals, running on the beach by an ocean, sunsets, sunrises, with floating Gatorade/Water/Fruit stands, angels cheering on every step of the way. Supplied with bathroom breaks right when you need them and when you just can't anymore, a shiny new golden golf cart to carry you to the next rest station or to the Finish Line to collect your PRIZE, the reason for the race.
This prize is.. you guessed it, EVERLASTING LIFE like you've never had it before. Even better than this paradise! The only rule is... Don't eat the Fruit at Mile marker 50, there are TONS of other fruit, DON'T eat the Fruit at Mile marker 50!
We all know how that went.
So 'POOF'.. in a second, gravity takes over and Eve needs to wear a sports bra and cotton briefs and Adam needs to sling his junk up. Oh, and now here's a map with stationary diluted Gatorade/city water/non-local fruit stands, no one cheering every step of the way. Bathroom breaks are farther apart and they will have to remember which leaf to use....
and your course... its thataway, see that desert? Yep, no more oceanfront beach runs for them anymore. Here are the Last Chance rules, follow them.
They take off and have two babies. Cain and Able. Cain can't stand how Able is all happy and singing about how he LOOOOVES to run and dedicates every 3rd mile to God because he's ECSTATIC he's able to run and the course is ABSOLUTELY the BEST course EVER! At the pinnacle of Cain's irritation, he pushes Able over a ledge while Able's praising God at the top of his lungs.
Later God asks Cain where Able was.... God banishes Cain from the course, setting him apart from everyone...
It started from the Holy Spirit who doesn't think I need sleep some nights who planted running on my brain. He then steered me toward, "How does this fit into the concept of the Bible as a whole," and then just walked off, chuckling.
OooH! I GOT this one!! Yeah.. for 2 hours when I should be SLEEPING! But then, of course, when else do I listen to him.
Touche, Holy Spirit, Touche.
So.. I'm going to do this in parts as I'm still thinking this through.
God creates this perfect running course, jam-packed full of wondrous sights, mountains, rivers, animals, running on the beach by an ocean, sunsets, sunrises, with floating Gatorade/Water/Fruit stands, angels cheering on every step of the way. Supplied with bathroom breaks right when you need them and when you just can't anymore, a shiny new golden golf cart to carry you to the next rest station or to the Finish Line to collect your PRIZE, the reason for the race.
This prize is.. you guessed it, EVERLASTING LIFE like you've never had it before. Even better than this paradise! The only rule is... Don't eat the Fruit at Mile marker 50, there are TONS of other fruit, DON'T eat the Fruit at Mile marker 50!
We all know how that went.
So 'POOF'.. in a second, gravity takes over and Eve needs to wear a sports bra and cotton briefs and Adam needs to sling his junk up. Oh, and now here's a map with stationary diluted Gatorade/city water/non-local fruit stands, no one cheering every step of the way. Bathroom breaks are farther apart and they will have to remember which leaf to use....
and your course... its thataway, see that desert? Yep, no more oceanfront beach runs for them anymore. Here are the Last Chance rules, follow them.
They take off and have two babies. Cain and Able. Cain can't stand how Able is all happy and singing about how he LOOOOVES to run and dedicates every 3rd mile to God because he's ECSTATIC he's able to run and the course is ABSOLUTELY the BEST course EVER! At the pinnacle of Cain's irritation, he pushes Able over a ledge while Able's praising God at the top of his lungs.
Later God asks Cain where Able was.... God banishes Cain from the course, setting him apart from everyone...
September 14, 2013
Upside down world
Someone please tell me what is ok with reading the news and finding out people paying for a bone marrow transplant for your dog and then 5 minutes later also read a bill is currently in the works that a non-physician type person can perform an abortion.????
February 02, 2013
Before and after...
I was privileged to listen to one of the "Biggest Loser" contestants speak at our church. Aside from all the weight loss tips, she linked them to her journey in her discipleship with Jesus. She always had excuses. She was always comparing herself to others. "At least I don't look like that" ... or..."Am I really that big???""
She also realized as she grew in her faith, just like losing her weight, she needed to have the courage to show others her before and after picture from where she came from and her journey with her struggles, failures and successes.
The climb to become fit was a huge struggle and she said the first 20 minutes were so uncomfortable and painful that she prayed Jesus would come at that moment and save her from the work. But Jesus did so much more than that... he sent Dolvett and her teammates...she grew so much more and came home determined to shine with the strength God had given her and to show her how to use it.
I sat there and listened and learned to be okay with my weaknesses... God uses your "quirks" to his advantage. God wants you to screw up and find his endless ocean of love and forgiveness. He wants you to be in pain calling out His name wishing he would come and rescue you.
I am anxious 95% of the time in my day. I am constantly lifting my hands in the air, literally giving my worries to Him. I am so chaotic inside, that I cannot put together a single thought without sitting and thinking it through for 10 minutes.
I am the queen of delayed responses.
If I am expected to answer, my responses are usually met with a tilt of the head and blank stares. I wake up every morning and ask the Holy Spirit to translate my words so that when they leave my mouth, they are taken with the love, patience and understanding that I intended them to be sent out with. I am so insecure that I do not say what's on my mind when I really need to say something. I feel like Moses... yet I do not have the important job of saving thousands of people.....
or do I???
I know God speaks to me. I feel the burden of people I love on my grey days...now that I have come to know that I thank God that he is using me.
Even though I feel like screaming and crying on those days, I thank God through the tears that he has come to give me strength and that I can lean on him and give him the burdens to help me hold.
Thank you Jesus for showing me my weakness so that I may grow with your strength, your love, your peace and your understanding.
To God be the glory.
She also realized as she grew in her faith, just like losing her weight, she needed to have the courage to show others her before and after picture from where she came from and her journey with her struggles, failures and successes.
The climb to become fit was a huge struggle and she said the first 20 minutes were so uncomfortable and painful that she prayed Jesus would come at that moment and save her from the work. But Jesus did so much more than that... he sent Dolvett and her teammates...she grew so much more and came home determined to shine with the strength God had given her and to show her how to use it.
I sat there and listened and learned to be okay with my weaknesses... God uses your "quirks" to his advantage. God wants you to screw up and find his endless ocean of love and forgiveness. He wants you to be in pain calling out His name wishing he would come and rescue you.
I am anxious 95% of the time in my day. I am constantly lifting my hands in the air, literally giving my worries to Him. I am so chaotic inside, that I cannot put together a single thought without sitting and thinking it through for 10 minutes.
I am the queen of delayed responses.
If I am expected to answer, my responses are usually met with a tilt of the head and blank stares. I wake up every morning and ask the Holy Spirit to translate my words so that when they leave my mouth, they are taken with the love, patience and understanding that I intended them to be sent out with. I am so insecure that I do not say what's on my mind when I really need to say something. I feel like Moses... yet I do not have the important job of saving thousands of people.....
or do I???
I know God speaks to me. I feel the burden of people I love on my grey days...now that I have come to know that I thank God that he is using me.
Even though I feel like screaming and crying on those days, I thank God through the tears that he has come to give me strength and that I can lean on him and give him the burdens to help me hold.
Thank you Jesus for showing me my weakness so that I may grow with your strength, your love, your peace and your understanding.
To God be the glory.
December 15, 2012
Connecticut tragedy
"You can never go beyond My Love and Care. Remember that. No evil can befall you. Circumstances I bless and use must be the right ones for you. But know always that the first step is to lay your will before Me as a offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that, if you trust me, what I do for you will be best.
Your second step is to be sure, and to tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything ("The hearts of kings are in My rule and goverance"), that no miracle is impossible with me ("With God all things are possible" and "I and my Father are one").
Then leave all with Me. Glad to leave all your affairs in a Master's Hand. Sure of safety and protections. Remember, you cannot see the future. I CAN. You could not bear it.
So only little by little can I reveal it to you. Accept My Will and it will bring you joy."
God Calling - June 29th, A.J. Russell
Yesterday I held my children a little closer. It was a test of letting go as my daughter went to a sleepover. She's gone to plenty where I can let go for a night... however, I kept going to her room to check on her only to see an empty bed.
It was a rough night.
I have had my share of grief over my lifespan to know a person's words of comfort are just that... words of comfort. There is no depth to them... they don't know what to do but talk. They can't take the hurt away. They can only stand and watch the pain rip through your face and watch as the continuous tears soak through their shirt. I heard a pastor on our local christian radio station speak of a long and happy life. He said to pray that nothing will happen to you and your family is to ask for complacency, ignorance, to be spoiled and to never strengthen your character. To say in a tragedy, "I don't believe God wanted or willed this to happen" is to think you understand his proceedings. Also to say that it's God will... is the same way. All I know is the REAL comfort and strength I received was not instantaneous, it didn't take the hurt away, it strengthen me, it made me realize to put my efforts into the more important things on this earth and to just trust. This is my way of grieving, not anyone else's.
I had some peace over the events that happened only because of one phrase that kept running through my head in the morning even before the shooting started. It was like a bad song stuck in my head. I kept hearing,
"They are not yours to begin with."
Not knowing what the context was, I ignored it... until the evening while grieving over the parents loss and ANGRY at the gunman.
Children are priceless, unfinished works of art entrusted to us, mere humans, by God. We take their actions and words personally whether inside our house or in the public eye as a reflection of us. We forget they WILL be who God wants them to be in spite of our controlling attitudes of who we think they should be like or become.
What ifs are horrible. We have no control over what will happen, but should question our environment with common sense to know our surroundings. I'm a "I see something shiny" person. I saw our house and plopped our family in this town, not knowing what it held. It has proven a very good fit for our family with schools, neighborhoods, friends and environment. There are always pros and cons to every situation. That school community where the shootings happened may have been the same way. We don't know.
What I do know is, while a struggle everyday, God knows me and what I need to do. He knows my family and what they need to do. If He wants them home whether by a shooting, cancer or after a long rewarding life, that's His choice. Job did everything right... but God reminded him it was HE who created the universe and breathed life into our bodies. It's a tough thought that we are controlled this way, but by a VERY LOVING FATHER who wants and will do the best for us and give us all the riches and inheritance we need.
We grieve very differently and it's ok to feel what you feel about the events that happened in Connecticut. I pray you will find comfort and peace.
I pray strength and comfort for the families that have lost a child. I pray strength and peace for Sandy Hook Elementary and the Newtown community as they grieve over the tragedy and I pray for healing. In Jesus Name, Amen.
December 03, 2012
...and the thanksgiving keeps rolling in...
So many people I know have kicked a rare cancer or unknown illness back to where it came from all due to our Father's glory... Praise be HIS NAME!! I love when a plan is coming together and we can watch it happen!!
I have a little story of my own although it's not as life and death as cancer or life-threatening infection, the context meets the demand.
My daughter came home last week to calmly tell me her science fair project was due that day.
WHAT!!!????
Since this was her first major project aside from a 9 book reading project, she has either yet to comprehend the dire need for top grades, she didn't realize the time involved in this project, or she is that laid back. (all of the above.)
I did enough freaking out for her.
First, I made sure she knew I went through 4 years of constant freaking out to satisfy my desire to NEVER DO IT AGAIN!! Secondly, I made her read through the packet of information and complete the attached worksheet so she would realize the amount of work needed.
She realized and like a trooper I knew she would be, set to work writing out a list of supplies needed and to put together the information she already had.
After getting the supplies, ordering the pictures and eating, we set to work. Everything was laid out ready to be written, pasted and decorated... and then she realized.... 1/2 of her work in the form of a turquoise, purple and blue decorated notebook was nowhere . to . be . found.
Judging on her past resume of search and find, I just waited.
No notebook.
Do it again.
No notebook.
I joined in.
No notebook and tears.
We tidied up her room.
No notebook. More tears.
We tidied up the house.
No notebook.
"Kya start praying"
We demolished her room and put it together again.
No notebook.
"Kya, start PRAYING!"
"MOM, I AM!!"
"Now, it's time to start listening... you can do all the praying in the world, but if you don't stop the noise, you'll never hear the answer."
Pause.....
"Mom.... I gotta go."
(Lord, please help her find the notebook.)
She must have gone right to the place where it was and ......
"I FOUND IT!!!" Comes running back upstairs, "MOM, I stopped and felt a wind in my face and knew! I KNEW!!" (Thank you, Jesus)
We finished the project by 11pm and we all went to bed satisfied.
... a follow up....
She came home last Friday 3 days after handing in her project and said she had to present it (which she was terrified of). Her teacher is, from my encounters, not warm, precise, intelligent and methodical. Kya said after she was finished reading her blessed journal, the teacher commented with,
"And that's how it's done."
VICTORY!!!
I have a little story of my own although it's not as life and death as cancer or life-threatening infection, the context meets the demand.
My daughter came home last week to calmly tell me her science fair project was due that day.
WHAT!!!????
Since this was her first major project aside from a 9 book reading project, she has either yet to comprehend the dire need for top grades, she didn't realize the time involved in this project, or she is that laid back. (all of the above.)
I did enough freaking out for her.
First, I made sure she knew I went through 4 years of constant freaking out to satisfy my desire to NEVER DO IT AGAIN!! Secondly, I made her read through the packet of information and complete the attached worksheet so she would realize the amount of work needed.
She realized and like a trooper I knew she would be, set to work writing out a list of supplies needed and to put together the information she already had.
After getting the supplies, ordering the pictures and eating, we set to work. Everything was laid out ready to be written, pasted and decorated... and then she realized.... 1/2 of her work in the form of a turquoise, purple and blue decorated notebook was nowhere . to . be . found.
Judging on her past resume of search and find, I just waited.
No notebook.
Do it again.
No notebook.
I joined in.
No notebook and tears.
We tidied up her room.
No notebook. More tears.
We tidied up the house.
No notebook.
"Kya start praying"
We demolished her room and put it together again.
No notebook.
"Kya, start PRAYING!"
"MOM, I AM!!"
"Now, it's time to start listening... you can do all the praying in the world, but if you don't stop the noise, you'll never hear the answer."
Pause.....
"Mom.... I gotta go."
(Lord, please help her find the notebook.)
She must have gone right to the place where it was and ......
"I FOUND IT!!!" Comes running back upstairs, "MOM, I stopped and felt a wind in my face and knew! I KNEW!!" (Thank you, Jesus)
We finished the project by 11pm and we all went to bed satisfied.
... a follow up....
She came home last Friday 3 days after handing in her project and said she had to present it (which she was terrified of). Her teacher is, from my encounters, not warm, precise, intelligent and methodical. Kya said after she was finished reading her blessed journal, the teacher commented with,
"And that's how it's done."
VICTORY!!!
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:6-8
November 24, 2012
November 05, 2012
Being part of something... GLORIOUS!!
I have always felt small. I grew up with a mom who had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and a Dad, in my mind, I could never live up to his goodness, wisdom and determination. Also living in a small town, people made sure you knew you were from poor stock and heaven forbid you changed their minds about you.
I always needed to prove myself, being good, being intelligent, being valued somehow. I know everyone feels this way because I have never met a person who didn't.
For that reason, I feel the need to share this with you and hope the feeling that comes with these words give you hope and peace and contentment like it gave me.
It came after a horrible nightmare...
I was praying for everyone that came to mind and finally the last person I prayed for told me, "I got this," and instantly we (a variety of people) were caught up in something that I couldn't quite figure out. I first thought it was some sort of blanket but the texture was wrong. I then thought it was made of gold but it was just the color. Then I thought we were caught up in straw but, again, the wrong texture.
I noticed we were moving around which seemed like on water slides, twisting and turning but it wasn't in tunnels. As I was trying to figure out what, where, and how, I realized those questions didn't matter. I felt I belonged. I felt more and more content and happy. Where I was going was good and right.
As soon as I felt all of that, I was given perspective and found I had been caught up in a paint brush. I was being used with all the others to paint a glorious painting. The subject and detail of the painting was not important. What was important was that I was being used to give the painting that little something I only could.
I didn't have to be there. I wasn't really needed. The painting was going to be painted no matter what. But I was chosen amongst others to give "flavor" and depth to the end result. I was chosen with the color from the beginning when the image of the painting came to the Artist's mind.
My wish for you is to understand, without a shadow of a doubt, you are valued no matter what you have done and what you haven't done, good or bad.
I always needed to prove myself, being good, being intelligent, being valued somehow. I know everyone feels this way because I have never met a person who didn't.
For that reason, I feel the need to share this with you and hope the feeling that comes with these words give you hope and peace and contentment like it gave me.
It came after a horrible nightmare...
I was praying for everyone that came to mind and finally the last person I prayed for told me, "I got this," and instantly we (a variety of people) were caught up in something that I couldn't quite figure out. I first thought it was some sort of blanket but the texture was wrong. I then thought it was made of gold but it was just the color. Then I thought we were caught up in straw but, again, the wrong texture.
I noticed we were moving around which seemed like on water slides, twisting and turning but it wasn't in tunnels. As I was trying to figure out what, where, and how, I realized those questions didn't matter. I felt I belonged. I felt more and more content and happy. Where I was going was good and right.
As soon as I felt all of that, I was given perspective and found I had been caught up in a paint brush. I was being used with all the others to paint a glorious painting. The subject and detail of the painting was not important. What was important was that I was being used to give the painting that little something I only could.
I didn't have to be there. I wasn't really needed. The painting was going to be painted no matter what. But I was chosen amongst others to give "flavor" and depth to the end result. I was chosen with the color from the beginning when the image of the painting came to the Artist's mind.
My wish for you is to understand, without a shadow of a doubt, you are valued no matter what you have done and what you haven't done, good or bad.
11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined
according to the plan of him who works out everything
in conformity with the purpose of his will,
12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ,
might be for the praise of his glory.
13 And you also were included in Christ
when you heard the message of truth,
the gospel of your salvation.
When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal,
the promised Holy Spirit,
14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance
until the redemption of those who are God’s possession
—to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:11-14
Psalm 139:13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
October 31, 2012
Psalm 73
Truly God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,
my steps had nearly slipped.
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
violence covers them as a garment.
Their eyes swell out through fatness;
their hearts overflow with follies.
They scoff and speak with malice;
loftily they threaten oppression.
They set their mouths against the heavens,
and their tongue struts through the earth.
Therefore his people turn back to them,
and find no fault in them.
And they say, “How can God know?
Is there knowledge in the Most High?”
Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.
If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
I would have betrayed the generation of your children.
But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.
Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!
Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.
(Psalm 73 ESV)
October 17, 2012
October 11, 2012
Good times, happy family
It was an auspicious weekend... the first ever Hodgdon family reunion and the last time we would ever stay in a waterpark hotel... completely over-rated... the hotel... NOT the waterpark.
 |
| The "toilet bowl"... coolest ride ever..... to date. |
 |
| The Paul Bunyan waterpark |
 |
| The kids instinctively knew when the bucket would drop. They would disappear and reappear sopping wet (as opposed to just plain wet.) |
 |
| MAJOR accomplishment for Barrett! What you don't see is the top view of the rock. VERY skinny and WAAAY up there... When it was my turn it took all my nerves just to sit on it longer than a minute. |
 |
| Uncle Chuck and the kids |
 |
| Grandma Char and the kids |
 |
| The daughters... Lynn, Christine and Gail |
 |
| The sons....Barrett, Mark and Chuck Jr. |
 |
| ALL together for the first time... |
 |
| The whole family minus the older cousins plus one step granddaughter, Cassidy |
 |
| Trying to make Mark feel tall |
 |
| Twins... for now |
 |
| Later on that night.... |
 |
| Ethan is relaxing, Barrett is passed out, Kya is watching the clouds and Cooper is wondering where we are going to next... |
 |
| So starts the fall photos... |
 |
| Even the ground was colorful! |
 |
| Light glowing through the ferns |
 |
| It was majestically quiet behind all the rocks. I could have stayed there all day. |
 |
| The lifts for the lazy people |
 |
| Last day... |
 |
| The kids found crayfish and were hoping Dad would catch one. |
 |
| Uncle Paul's football buddies.. the one directly on Uncle Paul's left, Wille, was the one who nominated him. |
 |
| Mom and Uncle Paul |
September 25, 2012
"Put me in Coach!"
John the Baptist was an interesting person.
His mom and dad were OLD and yet God saw fit to bless them with a child after years of prayers. Zachariah's response? "And, NOW you come?" So God shut him up for a while. Elizabeth just said a HUGE "Thank you". Smart woman.
Even while in Elizabeth's belly, John was filled with the Holy Spirit and leaped for joy when Elizabeth saw Mary coming. John REALLY knew what was coming.
While growing up, John lived by himself in the wilderness and listened to God's voice guiding him and giving him tips on how to recognize Jesus.
Finally when John started his public showings, he paved the way to alter people's ideals of a prophet, to focus on the truth and told people to look deep in their hearts to change and follow Jesus.
John was very clear with the Pharisees. They were clearly expecting another "more worthy" person to save the world. They could not see past their rules and regulations and self made importance to open their hearts to see the truth and the light standing in front of them.
Even with all this, while John was in jail after pissing Herod off, he sent word via the disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the one, or should I wait for another."
Jesus promptly did miraculous things and sent word to John about the power given to him from heaven.
I was amazed at this.....John the Baptist who was compared to Elijah, has his doubts. I recently had my own John the Baptist moment. I felt like a pawn in God's kingdom. I had my own expectations on what God should do and where I belong in this world. After a couple of days wallowing in my own pity pot and sour emotions, I started listening and was told gently but firmly to wait. God came with HIS GLORY and HIS GRACE and reminded me He has everything under control.
He doesn't need our approval, God has been around since the beginning of time and He will do things all for our good and prosperity.....IN HIS OWN TIME.
So chillax and bask in His Glories and Wonders.
His mom and dad were OLD and yet God saw fit to bless them with a child after years of prayers. Zachariah's response? "And, NOW you come?" So God shut him up for a while. Elizabeth just said a HUGE "Thank you". Smart woman.
Even while in Elizabeth's belly, John was filled with the Holy Spirit and leaped for joy when Elizabeth saw Mary coming. John REALLY knew what was coming.
While growing up, John lived by himself in the wilderness and listened to God's voice guiding him and giving him tips on how to recognize Jesus.
Finally when John started his public showings, he paved the way to alter people's ideals of a prophet, to focus on the truth and told people to look deep in their hearts to change and follow Jesus.
John was very clear with the Pharisees. They were clearly expecting another "more worthy" person to save the world. They could not see past their rules and regulations and self made importance to open their hearts to see the truth and the light standing in front of them.
“You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? 8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. 9 The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." Luke 3:7-9Just seeing Jesus, John recognized the honor and glory that was with Jesus and was happy to "decrease".
“A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. 28 You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’ 29 The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. 30 He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3: 27-30
Even with all this, while John was in jail after pissing Herod off, he sent word via the disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the one, or should I wait for another."
Jesus promptly did miraculous things and sent word to John about the power given to him from heaven.
“Tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them.”And then said, "And blessed is he who keeps from stumbling over Me " Luke 7:23
I was amazed at this.....John the Baptist who was compared to Elijah, has his doubts. I recently had my own John the Baptist moment. I felt like a pawn in God's kingdom. I had my own expectations on what God should do and where I belong in this world. After a couple of days wallowing in my own pity pot and sour emotions, I started listening and was told gently but firmly to wait. God came with HIS GLORY and HIS GRACE and reminded me He has everything under control.
He doesn't need our approval, God has been around since the beginning of time and He will do things all for our good and prosperity.....IN HIS OWN TIME.
So chillax and bask in His Glories and Wonders.
September 22, 2012
September 19, 2012
Who Am I???
Casting Crowns "Who Am I"
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/casting_crowns/who_am_i.html ]
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/casting_crowns/who_am_i.html ]
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
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