Connecticut tragedy

"You can never go beyond My Love and Care.  Remember that.  No evil can befall you.  Circumstances I bless and use must be the right ones for you.  But know always that the first step is to lay your will before Me as a offering, ready that I shall do what is best, sure that, if you trust me, what I do for you will be best.
Your second step is to be sure, and to tell me so, that I am Powerful enough to do everything ("The hearts of kings are in My rule and goverance"), that no miracle is impossible with me ("With God all things are possible" and "I and my Father are one").
Then leave all with Me.   Glad to leave all your affairs in a Master's Hand.  Sure of safety and protections.  Remember, you cannot see the future.   I CAN.   You could not bear it.
So only little by little can I reveal it to you.  Accept My Will and it will bring you joy."
God Calling - June 29th, A.J. Russell

Yesterday I held my children a little closer.  It was a test of letting go as my daughter went to a sleepover.  She's gone to plenty where I can let go for a night... however, I kept going to her room to check on her only to see an empty bed.

It was a rough night.

I have had my share of grief over my lifespan to know a person's words of comfort are just that... words of comfort.  There is no depth to them... they don't know what to do but talk.  They can't take the hurt away. They can only stand and watch the pain rip through your face and watch as the continuous tears soak through their shirt.  I heard a pastor on our local christian radio station speak of a long and happy life.  He said to pray that nothing will happen to you and your family is to ask for complacency, ignorance, to be spoiled and to never strengthen your character.  To say in a tragedy, "I don't believe God wanted or willed this to happen" is to think you understand his proceedings.  Also to say that it's God will... is the same way.  All I know is the REAL comfort and strength I received was not instantaneous, it didn't take the hurt away, it strengthen me, it made me realize to put my efforts into the more important things on this earth and to just trust.  This is my way of grieving, not anyone else's.



I had some peace over the events that happened only because of one phrase that kept running through my head in the morning even before the shooting started.  It was like a bad song stuck in my head.  I kept hearing,

"They are not yours to begin with."

Not knowing what the context was, I ignored it... until the evening while grieving over the parents loss and ANGRY at the gunman.

Children are priceless, unfinished works of art entrusted to us, mere humans, by God.  We take their actions and words personally whether inside our house or in the public eye as a reflection of us.  We forget they WILL be who God wants them to be in spite of our controlling attitudes of who we think they should be like or become.

What ifs are horrible.  We have no control over what will happen, but should question our environment with common sense to know our surroundings.   I'm a "I see something shiny" person.  I saw our house and plopped our family in this town, not knowing what it held.  It has proven a very good fit for our family with schools, neighborhoods, friends and environment.  There are always pros and cons to every situation.  That school community where the shootings happened may have been the same way.  We don't know.

What I do know is, while a struggle everyday, God knows me and what I need to do.  He knows my family and what they need to do.  If He wants them home whether by a shooting, cancer or after a long rewarding life, that's His choice.  Job did everything right... but God reminded him it was HE who created the universe and breathed life into our bodies.  It's a tough thought that we are controlled this way, but by a VERY LOVING FATHER who wants and will do the best for us and give us all the riches and inheritance we need.

We grieve very differently and it's ok to feel what you feel about the events that happened in Connecticut.  I pray you will find comfort and peace.

I pray strength and comfort for the families that have lost a child.  I pray strength and peace for Sandy Hook Elementary and the Newtown community as they grieve over the tragedy and I pray for healing.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

...and the thanksgiving keeps rolling in...

So many people I know have kicked a rare cancer or unknown illness back to where it came from all due to our Father's glory... Praise be HIS NAME!!  I love when a plan is coming together and we can watch it happen!!

I have a little story of my own although it's not as life and death as cancer or life-threatening infection, the context meets the demand.

My daughter came home last week to calmly tell me her science fair project was due that day.    

WHAT!!!????

Since this was her first major project aside from a 9 book reading project, she has either yet to comprehend the dire need for top grades, she didn't realize the time involved in this project, or she is that laid back. (all of the above.)

I did enough freaking out for her.

First, I made sure she knew I went through 4 years of constant freaking out to satisfy my desire to NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!  Secondly, I made her read through the packet of information and complete the attached worksheet so she would realize the amount of work needed.

She realized and like a trooper I knew she would be, set to work writing out a list of supplies needed and to put together the information she already had.

After getting the supplies, ordering the pictures and eating, we set to work.  Everything was laid out ready to be written, pasted and decorated... and then she realized.... 1/2 of her work in the form of a turquoise, purple and blue decorated notebook was nowhere . to . be . found.

Judging on her past resume of search and find, I just waited.    

No notebook.

Do it again.

No notebook.

I joined in.

No notebook and tears.

We tidied up her room.

No notebook.  More tears.

We tidied up the house.

No notebook.
"Kya start praying"

We demolished her room and put it together again.

No notebook.
"Kya, start PRAYING!"
"MOM, I AM!!"
"Now, it's time to start listening... you can do all the praying in the world, but if you don't stop the noise, you'll never hear the answer."

Pause.....

"Mom.... I gotta go."

(Lord, please help her find the notebook.)

She must have gone right to the place where it was and ......

"I FOUND IT!!!"  Comes running back upstairs, "MOM, I stopped and felt a wind in my face and knew!  I KNEW!!"  (Thank you, Jesus)

We finished the project by 11pm and we all went to bed satisfied.

... a follow up....

She came home last Friday 3 days after handing in her project  and said she had to present it (which she was terrified of).  Her teacher is, from my encounters, not warm, precise, intelligent and methodical.  Kya said after she was finished reading her blessed journal, the teacher commented with,

"And that's how it's done."

VICTORY!!!

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:6-8

It's not, but it can be

 Sorry about the profanity... but it's well placed.

Being part of something... GLORIOUS!!

I have always felt small.   I  grew up with a mom who had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and a Dad, in my mind,  I could never live up to his goodness, wisdom and determination.  Also living in a small town, people made sure you knew you were from poor stock and heaven forbid you changed their minds about you.  

I always needed to prove myself, being good, being intelligent, being valued somehow.    I know everyone feels this way because I have never met a person who didn't. 

For that reason, I feel the need to share this with you and hope the feeling that comes with these words give you hope and peace and contentment like it gave me.



It came after a horrible nightmare...

I was praying for everyone that came to mind and finally the last person I prayed for told me, "I got this," and instantly we (a variety of people)  were caught up in something that I couldn't quite figure out.  I first thought it was some sort of blanket but the texture was wrong. I then thought it was made of gold but it was just the color.  Then I thought we were caught up in straw but, again, the wrong texture.   

I noticed we were moving around which seemed like on water slides, twisting and turning but it wasn't in tunnels.    As I was trying to figure out what, where, and how, I realized those questions didn't matter.  I felt I belonged.  I felt more and more content and happy.  Where I was going was good and right. 

As soon as I felt all of that, I was given perspective and found I had been caught up in a paint brush.  I was being used with all the others to paint a glorious painting.  The subject and detail of the painting was not important.  What was important was that I was being used to give the painting that little something I only could.  

I didn't have to be there.  I wasn't really needed.  The painting was going to be painted no matter what.  But I was chosen amongst others to give "flavor" and depth to the end result.  I was chosen with the color from the beginning when the image of the painting came to the Artist's mind.



My wish for you is to understand, without a shadow of a doubt, you are valued no matter what you have done and what you haven't done, good or bad.

¹¹ In him we were also chosen, having been predestined 

according to the plan of him who works out everything 

in conformity with the purpose of his will, 

¹² in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, 

might be for the praise of his glory. 

¹³ And you also were included in Christ 

when you heard the message of truth, 

the gospel of your salvation. 

When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal,

 the promised Holy Spirit, 

¹⁴ who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance 

until the redemption of those who are God’s possession

—to the praise of his glory.  Ephesians 1:11-14

Psalm 139:13-18

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ 

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ 

Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 73

Truly God is good to Israel,

to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,

my steps had nearly slipped.

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
violence covers them as a garment.
Their eyes swell out through fatness;
their hearts overflow with follies.
They scoff and speak with malice;
loftily they threaten oppression.
They set their mouths against the heavens,
and their tongue struts through the earth.



Therefore his people turn back to them,
and find no fault in them.
And they say, “How can God know?
Is there knowledge in the Most High?”
Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.

If I had said, “I will speak thus,”

I would have betrayed the generation of your children.

But when I thought how to understand this,

it seemed to me a wearisome task,

until I went into the sanctuary of God;

then I discerned their end.

Truly you set them in slippery places;

you make them fall to ruin.

How they are destroyed in a moment,

swept away utterly by terrors!

Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;

you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God;

I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,

that I may tell of all your works.

(Psalm 73 ESV)

Shhh....Listen

Good times, happy family

It was an auspicious weekend... the first ever Hodgdon family reunion and the last time we would ever stay in a waterpark hotel... completely over-rated... the hotel... NOT the waterpark.  

The "toilet bowl"... coolest ride ever..... to date.

The Paul Bunyan waterpark

The kids instinctively knew when the bucket would drop.  They would disappear and reappear sopping wet
(as opposed to just plain wet.)

MAJOR accomplishment for Barrett!  What you don't see is the top view of the rock.  VERY skinny and WAAAY up there... When it was my turn it took all my nerves just to sit on it longer than a minute.

Uncle Chuck and the kids

Grandma Char and the kids

The daughters... Lynn, Christine and Gail

The sons....Barrett, Mark and Chuck Jr.

ALL together for the first time...

The whole family minus the older cousins plus one step granddaughter, Cassidy

Trying to make Mark feel tall

Twins... for now

Later on that night....

Ethan is relaxing, Barrett is passed out, Kya is watching the clouds and Cooper is wondering where we are going to next...

So starts the fall photos...

Even the ground was colorful!

Light glowing through the ferns

It was majestically quiet behind all the rocks.   I could have stayed there all day.

The lifts for the lazy people

Last day...

The kids found crayfish and were hoping Dad would catch one.

The following weekend was just as auspicious... my uncle was inducted in Concordia St. Paul Hall of Fame.... for most of the world, this is just a great honor... but for our family.. it's a wonderful, well deserved honor for my uncle.. since this has been a ghost he's been chasing for about 50 years... ever since professional athletes have commanded the attention of his father rather than his own son.  His father's indifference was greatly overshadowed by our love and pride in his accomplishments.  We found out that night he made the first ever touchdown for Concordia's football program and other major accomplishments.  They also played the Stillwater Prison once.  The stories kept coming all weekend long...

Uncle Paul's football buddies.. the one directly on Uncle Paul's left, Wille, was the one who nominated him.

Mom and Uncle Paul

"Put me in Coach!"

John the Baptist was an interesting person.

His mom and dad were OLD and yet God saw fit to bless them with a child after years of prayers.  Zachariah's response?  "And, NOW you come?"  So God shut him up for a while.  Elizabeth just said a HUGE "Thank you".   Smart woman.

Even while in Elizabeth's belly, John was filled with the Holy Spirit and leaped for joy when Elizabeth saw Mary coming.  John REALLY knew what was coming.

While growing up, John lived by himself in the wilderness and listened to God's voice guiding him and giving him tips on how to recognize Jesus.

Finally when John started his public showings, he paved the way to alter people's ideals of a prophet, to focus on the truth and told people to look deep in their hearts to change and follow Jesus.

John was very clear with the Pharisees.  They were clearly expecting another "more worthy" person to save the world.  They could not see past their rules and regulations and self made importance to open their hearts to see the truth and the light standing in front of them.

“You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? ⁸ Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. ⁹ The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." Luke 3:7-9

Just seeing Jesus, John recognized the honor and glory that was with Jesus and was happy to "decrease".

“A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. 28 You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’ 29 The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. 30 He must increase, but I must decrease.”  John 3: 27-30

Even with all this, while John was in jail after pissing Herod off, he sent word via the disciples to ask Jesus, "Are you the one, or should I wait for another."

Jesus promptly did miraculous things and sent word to John about the power given to him from heaven.

 “Tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them.” 

And then said, "And blessed is he who keeps from stumbling over Me " Luke 7:23

I was amazed at this.....John the Baptist who was compared to Elijah, has his doubts.  I recently had my own John the Baptist moment.  I felt like a pawn in God's kingdom.  I had my own expectations on what God should do and where I belong in this world.  After a couple of days wallowing in my own pity pot and sour emotions, I started listening and was told gently but firmly to wait.  God came with HIS GLORY and HIS GRACE and reminded me He has everything under control.  

He doesn't need our approval, God has been around since the beginning of time and He will do things all for our good and prosperity.....IN HIS OWN TIME.

So chillax and bask in His Glories and Wonders.

But....

I want a cheeseburger and fries and a coke and....

Who Am I???

Casting Crowns "Who Am I"

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/casting_crowns/who_am_i.html ]
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are 

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Times like this..

My plan failed.

I was going to relish in the silence.  I was going to exclaim my 2.5 hours of independence.  I was going to act irresponsible and do absolutely nothing.

I felt exactly like I did a month after I had my first baby and my husband and I went on a date.  I thought about my little bundle back at home and wanted it safely inside me again so I would never have to worry about her ever again.

The 2.5 hours after dropping Cooper off, I sat in front of the computer and looked for a job because I wasn't going to mope.  Just like grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you shouldn't look for jobs when you are feeling antsy.  Receptionist at a massage place.... looked really good.....my paycheck would suffer, that's out.     Working from home placing ads... I would hate myself.  Working at my husband's former workplace... they're desperate... and they need women.   Nope, I don't need the harassment and I'm not fond of court rooms.  Nothing and everything looked good... I wasn't getting anywhere....

So, I closed up shop and picked up my little bear..... and that running monkey hug never felt so good.   He said school was fun, he loved snack but he got in trouble for not sitting still.... yep... that's my bear.  

Beginnings are rough.

The world is an oyster...

... then comes the baby in the ba-by carriage.

This is a discussion I had with my littlest bear this morning:



"Mom, there is something in my dinosaur."   

I pick it up and shake it.  "There must be some sand in there."

"No.  It's not sand."

"What is it?"

"A Lego... can you get it out?"

"It sounds like sand.  How do you know it's a Lego?'

"I put it in there.  Can you get it out?"

"How did you get it in there?  Where did you put the Lego?" (The only hole I knew about was a drain hole where tub water can drain out)

"In it's mouth.  It was hungry.  I need to get it out."

"Dinosaur's eat Legos?   Well, you may need to wait until he poops it out."

Cooper thinks about this while shaking his dinosaur.  "He can't poop it out......... Let's cut it out!!"

"You can't cut it out, Cooper!  We have no bandaids for dinosaurs and he's going to cry!"

"But we NEED to GET IT OUT!"

"Then don't stick things where they don't belong!"



....And there I realized, I had Stage1 talk with my little boy about the birds and the bees....

Breathe!

As I sit here on a semi-warm, semi-quiet morning after the big kids have gone to school and Cooper has made a village of dinosaurs take over my kitchen and dining room, I am thinking about what I will do before I find a job and go back to work.

My first thought was of an episode with Rachel in "Friends", after finding she was all alone in her apartment for the whole night, takes full advantage of "sing like no one is watching"..... in the nude.

Rachel dances

My other thought was to crawl back in bed...but WHY???
Because of the school budget, the kids are going to school an hour later!!  My prayer has been answered!!  Nice leisurely wake up at 7, find the kids under their covers at 7:30, eat and dress by 8:15 and out the door by 8:25.  The littlest bear then off to school by 9, and  for 2 hours......what to do, what to do...

I still got nothing...  No... strike that...

For the first day, I will.....


....just sit.  

On my swing.   Drinking coffee.  No swiffers, no laundry, no going to parks, no voices.

It will be my Sunday... for

 2. 

whole.

hours.  


Bliss.

Labor Day

Crown him with many crowns,
the Lamb upon his throne,
Hark! how the heavenly anthem drowns
all music but its own.
Awake, my soul, and sing
of him who died for thee,
and hail him as thy matchless King
through all eternity.

Those who labor and are heavy burdened....click on this link.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

²³ May God himself, the God of peace, 

sanctify you through and through. 

May your whole spirit, soul and body 

be kept blameless at the coming 

of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

²⁴ The one who calls you 

is faithful,

 and he will do it.

Be still, and KNOW...

To love is to act on a feeling.  How do you love a principle?  How are you loyal to a thought?  All of these require some sort of action.   

I love my family, immediate and extended.  I am loyal to their well-being and want every best thing for them.  I love my friends.  I am loyal to their health, relationships and our boundaries.  I love my nation.  I am loyal to it's safety, community, culture and capital exchange.  

All of these are material principles I have etched in stone.  It's a give and take and involves a multitude of apologies and forgiveness.

However... How can we be loyal to God who we see as an ideal, another name for beauty, goodness or truth? He is spoken of in the Bible as a living, breathing, feeling human being.  How can we keep him at arms length as just a set of rules and moral guidelines after reading his many counts of forgiveness, love, healing, guiding, protection, mercy and grace?

We need to come to the Bible as you would a counselor, a therapist, a Father who knows your every lie, distrust, pain, and achievement with open arms.  How can you have a private conversation to a being with these qualities believing there is a great chasm you have to shout across to be understood?  

Picture yourself entering a room and He is sitting, waiting for you... he gives you a hug, says "I love you," then counsels you.  

His voice is inside you. 

We all have the capacity to come close to God, to feel what the disciples felt when they walked and talked with Jesus.  We fall short on our immediate faculties, seeing and hearing, and forget about feeling and our intuitions.  It's hard to push past the constant noise of the visible world, fighting itself, climbing the ever rising mountain of self-proclamation.  We doubt the spiritual world as real in the accepted meaning of the word.  It's hard to push past the noise of the visible world demanding its reality and finality. 

Shut your eyes, shut out the world that demands your attention like a 3 year old spoiled child.   God has no favorites. (Acts 10:34-36)

We are like Peter who loved the idea of Christ, but when he started walking on the water and trusted the physics of water more than the Creator of the elements,  he fell and started drowning.



God is real.  He is all around us.  As we come to Him, he will reveal his wonders, His Presence.  There is no place where God is not.  

 Psalm 139:7-10

Where can I go from your Spirit?    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,    if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.